The Past Presents: LeeLee
Interviewed & Edited by Dia Masuda in 2023.
The Past Presents is a series highlighting artists from the denver undergound magazine, Worldview’s predecessor. These are some of LeeLee’s words directly from the conversation.
Leelee
Mother of the Colorado Chapter of House of LaBeija
The pandemic was trying in a way that I was like, if we survive this and we’re all still super connected and our relationships are still intact, we can really handle anything together.
Motherhood:
During the pandemic, it was kind of like, if the world’s gonna end, let me stand over here in the way to protect you, let me try to share some of these survival skills with you. If this is the end, who do I want to spend these last days with? What do I want my legacy to be? Subconsciously, I was a mother before. I just don’t think I really knew it. I had a new and growing calling on me to be a leader in certain situations where I might’ve just been self-destructive, messy, or reckless. I could see little eyes watching me.
After being asked to become the mother of LaBeija, it took me a long time to decide, really weighing whether or not I was ready for what could possibly be a very long term commitment to other people. ‘Cause it is, it’s like marriage. Once they’re your children, they’re your children. I thought, “Am I ready to commit to these people I love? Surely I am, but what if my needs change? What if I need something? Me, me, me.” It took me realizing.. I’ve already got everything I need. I’ve lived very fully. I have to know that in order to give more of myself to other people. I need to take stock and understand that me getting to where I’m at is a level of success for a Black trans woman that is definitely worthy of sharing. I need to teach whatever it is I know about preparation and navigating this world that is really difficult to navigate.
Especially being asked to be the leader of the House of LaBeija, specifically. Our house is the only one named after one of the pioneering trans women of color in ballroom, Crystal LaBeija, who left the drag pageant scene due to racism. It’s one of the few things we’ve inherited, that has been left behind from people like us, for us. To be asked to be the leader in that regard, it felt even more important. I had to realize multiple times that I have a skill or level of understanding or access to certain resources that are important to share with these people. I hadn’t realized that I had that.
There was lots of prayer, lots of asking the ancestors. Since then, there’s been lots of reaffirming messaging that this is exactly how it’s supposed to be. I’m where I’m supposed to be with the people I’m supposed to be here with. And we are doing the damn thing.
It feels really good. Everyone’s thriving, healthy. My kids are fucking amazing. They are such good people, so thoughtful and emotionally intelligent and caring and aware, self-aware and loving and communicative. It’s almost like they don’t need me.
(Photo by Ben Seagren @isthatjupiter)
The feedback for me is that those amazing human beings are choosing me. That’s so dope. They could really be out there. The streets are calling and they’re fun and everyone’s cute. They could be anywhere and they’re over here vogueing with me? Like, okay. It fuels my fire to embody and be everything that I would like to be to hold this position. It’s one of those things where you wanna be open to receiving what life has to teach you. You kind of need to be ready for it.
Make no mistake, I was a messy bitch. Messiness is just a mechanism for soothing in some capacity. It took a few revisits to realize it was definitely time for that change I’d been trying to initiate. Recklessness feels like a prolonged suicide.
The messaging that I get when I look at my own past behavior is, “Oh, you didn’t wanna be here for that much longer.” But fuck these people. I’m gonna live a long time. I’m gonna conserve my energy and you’re gonna get the fuck out my face. And when we have a problem, I’ma tell you about it. I’m not holding any of that inside of my body because it’s going to fuck with my shit. That whole mentality is new, and it’s working. It feels right. They got me fucked up, and it took forever to get there. But we’re there. We are there. I’m not worried. It’s still hard, but it’s hard in a beautiful way versus a messy way.
The interpersonal relationship stuff is actually easier than it was because there’s more presence. I feel fully present for everything. It feels like I don’t even need those other coping mechanisms anymore. All the scary stuff is sitting with pain and revisiting trauma to acknowledge it when triggers come up. Now we’re just exercising it. And the more we exercise it, the easier it’s getting and the more healthy our relationships to one another are. To me, that’s what all of this is actually about. It’s not about the balls, the fab everything, the rhinestones, the fillers, even though that’s my favorite part. The hair, the make-up. It’s not about any of that. It’s about these people.
We’re gonna die. What are you going to leave behind? What will you have done? And does it matter? Does it matter to you? Who will you have impacted while you were here? What does success look like for me versus what the world wants me to think of my own level of success? Relationships are a huge part of whether I’m successful or not.
A gorgeous garment looks so much more beautiful on an amazing, healthy, loved body where that glow is coming from the inside and the adornment is just a reflection. I’m noticing that joy happening when I see my kids. They’re just everything. They really are.
It’s totally not the main thing that I came to Colorado to do. I have all these other things that I thought I was here to do. This is just one of the many, but definitely one of the most impactful things I’ll probably do in my life.
I also do computer science. Trying to move the needle, take up space in that industry, share what I’m learning there with folks that are not in that room. I almost dropped out, but then I didn’t. I need to find my own purpose in it because capitalism isn’t enough for me. It was really difficult to be my age and have that level of awareness and try to trick myself into giving a fuck about any of it. It really took a while. But there is information and resources to be pulled. Most of that shift of perspective has to do with this newly gained desire to have a future and see a future with the people I love.
Photo by Drummond West @papaworge
